Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
