You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
