So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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