sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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