I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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