She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
