you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
