That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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