The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I love having hate sex.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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