The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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