M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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