Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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