He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
