and my herpes radar will keep us safe
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
