dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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