She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
