I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
