I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
