The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
