Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
