As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
