Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
