I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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