Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
