my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
