You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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