Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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