At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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