I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
