Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
