last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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