casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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