Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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