Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
As shirtless as possible
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
