This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize