omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
