i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
