The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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