I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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