he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
