Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We got so high we made milksteak
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
