she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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