Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
