god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
