me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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