Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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