this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
