he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
