i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He shit in the fireplace
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
