Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
