He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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