so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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