So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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