that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
