I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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