Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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