i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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