I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
