Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
