well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
