Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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