I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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