Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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